At some level, almost everyone values being respected, but what does that actually mean? Respect is a complicated idea, and I don’t think the dictionary definition of “deep admiration” does it much justice.
Respecting someone is positively acknowledging something that they have done, and continue to do. You can respect your boss for being dedicated to his work, just as you can respect your friends for being there for you. But the core idea here is that this respect is earned, not taken for granted. And this is the most clear when talking about self-respect.
In my experience, the person whose respect it is the hardest to earn is your own. This is not to say most people don’t respect themselves— we inherently have to, otherwise life would be pretty miserable. But the problem is that in earning that respect, it's really easy to lie to ourselves. Now, this complacency is obviously good at times, like I said, we have to live with ourselves. But it can go too far when we start needing to justify more and more of our actions, instead of feeling that they are intrinsically good for us.
And this honestly generalizes pretty well to any relationship, from romantic ones to friendships. Having to justify actions in a relationship is usually a way to salvage respect, which isn’t always bad. But when it becomes excessive, the respect is no longer earned and feels forced.
“Need true love but I know true love is like a friendship”
This is probably my favorite song lyric of all time (here’s a list of some others), and it encapsulates the idea of this blog quite well. Getting close to someone (i.e. “true love,” although this idea is broader than just romantic relationships) takes time, because earning respect takes time. Actions, words, and feelings culminate over time to form a successful bond between two people.
But at the same time, people desire these relationships (i.e. “need true love”). This is caused by a multitude of things, from human biology to the portrayal of friendships in books and TV shows. But regardless, this mentality shifts respect from being earned to being desired. And when the metric becomes the goal, it ceases to be a good metric (Goodhart’s Law if you're curious).
In my opinion, respect isn’t this “deep admiration” where you put someone “on a pedestal." In every relationship, especially romantic relationships (which is what the quote directly refers to), respect should be mutual, and more importantly, it should be known that it’s mutual.
This all ultimately ties back into self-respect. People are inevitably going to force self-respect at times (basically “cope” minus the negative connotation), but the more conscious we are about earning that respect instead of “creating” it, the healthier we make our relationship with ourselves. The cost for this is almost always being focused and down-to-earth (for some definition of the words), and that cost is definitely worth it.
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